As this is my first time being best man, I was a little worried as to how long the speech should go on for. I asked around and the accepted norm seemed to be that it should go on for as long as it takes the groom to make love to his wife on their wedding night…. So on that note ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much, you’ve been a great crowd.
SIT DOWN
pause
STAND UP
Seriously now
Ok ok the real speech now…
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Andrew, Paul’s younger brother. It’s great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, Paul has finally admitted that I am the best man.
I would firstly like to thank both Paul & Gerri for giving me time to prepare this speech, well two weeks anyway.
First, let me start by saying that Gerri looks absolutely beautiful today and it is a real pleasure to welcome her into our family.
Today, I feel like I’m gaining a new sister and losing a brother. It is such a mix of emotions: happiness, joy… relief!
So lets start with the traditional bit, on behalf of the bridesmaids, groomsmen and ushers I’m sure they would like me to thank Paul for his kind words and I have to agree with him they all look wonderful, they asked me to tell you they thought your not too bad yourself mate. I’m sure you all agree that Gerri looks fantastic.. One in a million and Paul looks like he always does …. Won in a raffle ! And he’s copied my outfit today ! No really they are a great couple, Pure and Simple… Gerri’s pure…..
You will probably not be aware that Paul and Gerri had great trouble over the seating plan. Fortunately, Paul gave the room layout some serious thought and took the weight of the decision away from Gerri as any supportive partner should do.
What Gerri doesn’t know is that Paul decided the seating should be according to the cost of your present, so the more expensive you’re present, the closer the person would be seated to the front.
So I hope you at the back heard Paul when he thanked you for the tea spoons!
During my research on the internet into best mans role I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: -
The AISLE - it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take
The ALTER - the place where two become one
The HYMM - the celebration of marriage
I think Gerri must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn, I’ll alter him etc…
All I can say on that Gerri is good luck your gonna need it
Before I launch into a deluge of secret tales about Groom’s shady past, I have more
On leaving school Paul’s teenage years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl…something sadly he still hasn’t grown out of yet.
It shouldn’t be too hard to believe that my brother was a deeply ugly baby. So ugly in fact, that when he was born the midwife had to be restrained from slapping our parents. And come to think of it, I recall my mum telling me she suffered badly from morning sickness ……. right up until Paul’s 1st birthday
Paul’S been suffering from a terrible headache all day. He was going for the wet hair look and the toilet seat fell down.
Advice
Before I finish, I would like to give Paul some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything Gerri says!
Secondly, never be afraid that Gerri will leave you – she’s spent time training you, she’s not going to throw that away lightly!
Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life - “YOU’RE RIGHT DEAR!”
Whenever you’re wrong, be a man and admit it
…
Whenever you’re right, just “SAY nothing!”
As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married
And finally - there seems to be a bit of confusion over where Paul and Gerri are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you that they were off to the sunny climbs of Mexico but now I’m not so sure. After speaking to Paul just before we sat down for the meal I think they’re going to North Wales ………. Or at least I think that’s what he meant when he said that straight after the wedding he was going to Bangor for a week!
Toast
Joking aside though, knowing the feeling that you get when you realize you have met the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, it’s a feeling that you want to make the most of, and we are here to celebrate that with you both…long may it continue…
I’d like to finish up by saying what a great honor it’s been to be best man today.
On behalf of the bride and groom, I’d like to echo what I said earlier and thank everyone for sharing their special day.
On behalf of myself, I would just like to say that if you have enjoyed this speech half as much as I’ve enjoyed giving it, then I can only apologize. I started planning it about a month ago and you must feel that I’ve been delivering it for equally as long.
So then, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand…… I’d like you to raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Gerri, the new Mr and Mrs Bailey who we wish well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
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